Stellah in the City.

 Dahlings... How are you? I'm fine thanks. Normally when I wake up in the morning, I wake up with a sense of dread because I hate mornings. I also detest morning people. Why must they be allowed to live? Anyways, today was the day I woke up with a sense of excitement and peace in my heart. Obviously I was irritated with myself for being so happy in the morning. Like, why must I be so happy so early? TF. After countless seconds of wondering why I am in a good mood so early, it dawned (yes pun) on me.... it's because I posted on the blog! That's insane!  I remember telling a friend that when something is right for you...it will not leave you alone. It didn't. I would wake up everyday with a sense of dread and heaviness. It was also because the world is insane but mostly because I was not living in my truth.  It's crazy how I convinced myself that I shouldn't be doing this. I mean it's becoming more archaic with each second and yet, my heart won't let it go...

 Dahlings. Almost two years with no word from me. Soz. I haven't been well. I'll unpack my "unwellness" in the next few posts. However.... "I'm back....bitches" I can't believe it. I actually forgot I had a whole blog. Life lifed the hell out of me and this week was the first week I realised that I genuinely am in a much better place. This is a result of many things that I have implemented into my life. With that said, I turned forty, two months and seven days ago.  I don't like it.  I'm appreciative of having been alive for so long. The last few years have taught me that life is precious and every day is a gift. HOWEVER, I don't feel like I should be 40. I feel like a 40 year old should have all "the things" in order by now and in the full swing of living.  To be blatant, I want(ed) kids. I hoped to be married. Now...I don't care to be married but kids is still a sore point for me. Maybe I can adopt kids but I would have lo...

What do you get when you combine someone that is negatively impacted by the heat and also feeling sad because of news that you got today? .... Me. I'm going to sound like a spoiled brat today. I live in JHB, in an affluent suburb. I rent a nice flat and I have a nice job. BUT, I'm not happy. Add to it this heat that has no ending. I have been training myself to cherish the small moments when I feel happy and content. I had that last night. Those 10 minutes are pure bliss. Today I had to go into the office and a colleague of mine told me that it is now going to be mandatory for us to go back to the office. I feel like work is not seeing us. And my plan to move to the coast / rural areas (tbd) is ruined. These past two weeks I have been extra extra looking forward to sleeping and not enjoying any of my favorite past times like watching YouTube. Its slightly worrisome to me because the YouTubers that I watch are aligned to the dreams I thought I was working towar...

Dahlings How are you and other protocols. I'm turning in for the night and I just had a realisation that I am healing. I can't explain how happy this makes me. This is going to sound exceptionally weird but I've really missed myself. The hole of burnout and anxiety is dark. It's not fun. I'd only wish it on terrible people like the rapist president. yeah I said it. Here are signs to me that I am healing: 1. I have recently started listening to music again. Especially genres that always move me to my core. About 4 or 5 days ago, I listened to jazz music for the first time in 3 years. It was full moon and I sat on the balcony and listened to McCoy Mrubata. If I'm not Ok, my tell tale sign is that I can't listen to jazz. I feel overwhelmed with all the feels otherwise. 2. I am leaving the house more often. A little over a year ago I had such terrible agoraphobia. I couldn't even take the rubbish to the complex dumping site. The first time I ma...

Happy new year and all protocols observed. As I type this, I'm sitting in my car outside the gym. I haven't exercised in a very long time. Like a long time. Like dumb long. I only exercised for maybe 40 mins. You might say that's a fair set. Well it wasn't. For me at least. I was doing a set that would have been my warm up at my fittest in 2019. I'm not mad or disappointed. I'm..... surprised. I even took pre-workout and normally that would make me go for ages but I was winded and my muscles said "nope." Anyway, I have this line in my mind that keeps popping up from time to time and its "dont break promises you make to yourself". This year I'm doing things that are good for me and not break those promises. I'm the type of person that when I make a commitment to someone else I will see it through come what may but to myself, I break promises all the time. I need to change that. Not to be selfish or anything but so that I live lo...

  Dahlings. How are you? I'm fine thanks. Today as I was running my errands I had a thought about when I am the happiest. I realised that I love managing  projects, writing, taking stunning pictures and creating content for my YouTube channel. Today I helped a friend put together her child's 1st birthday party and I loved it. Over the past week, I have just felt an urge to write and write and write. I have been writing so many blog posts and a potential book that I may release one day. In this space, I found that I was very happy. Flipping tired but very happy. Anyways...this led to my question...when do we feel the happiest? Allow me to elaborate. For the largest portion of my life I have been told by black people that "I have white people tendencies" and white people telling me "you're so black". Here's the thing, I've always been 'othered'. This made me strong enough to dance to the beat of my own drum and never really let people into ...

,,, and it was a day full of mixed emotions. Dahlings It's been an age (pardon the pun). The last time we chatted, I was really not in a good space. Life was turdy. I feel like I am starting to catch my breath. I feel like I am starting to enjoy the sunshine again. 10-10 is my birthday. This was a big one for me. I turned 35.  I used to be a person that believes in signs and that everything happens for a reason. Then life happened. BUT. I have some OCD tendencies (nothing diagnosed it's just my opinion) and nothing makes me happier than when the dots connect. So, I turned an even number 35 on a Saturday.Saturday birthdays are lit. I recently moved and my flat number is 10, also the garage number is 35. It just felt like everything fits. There are no signs particularly here but I just found it serendipitous that all of these little things happened and it felt right. AND it's the beginning of a new decade (albeit crappy start to the decade am I right??). Anyway, so I prayed o...

when you can't anymore? Dahlings I genuinely hope this finds you well. These last few months have been a lot for me. I don't even know if I have the vocabulary to articulate where I am at the moment but allow me to try. About two months ago I came to a realisation that I absolutely cannot anymore. For a few years I have been busting my behind to do everything. I have been on the Joburg grind like everyone else. Let me preface by saying that I love this city. I have been living here for 7 years and it still feels like yesterday. I still feel the excitement. I still feel the love. I still feel the magic of this city. The last two months though I have had me feeling like I am tired. I am so so tired. I am emotionally tired. I am mentally tired. I am physically tired. And I am spiritually tired. I. CAN'T. ANYMORE. I am completely drained and depleted. Don't worry, I am not suicidal. I really am not. I don't know what the right step or the next step is at t...

And it's still carrying on ... Dahlings How are you? I'm fine thanks. So I took a sabbatical from online dating. I know, I know that I committed to six months of it. That's still my intention but if I am honest with you there were some things that happened as a result of lockdown and it made me feel like I needed to get off all social media platforms to readjust, refocus and stop pretending like I'm fine. The way of the world is not fine. Whatever we believe about this virus, it has still turned our lives upside down. As I mentioned before, I am not a huge online person. I struggle to sit on my phone. Life's pressures were a lot and this online dating thing was just adding more pressure and I've had a few meltdowns. Don't get me wrong, I am still committed to exploring and seeing if I can meet a potential life partner online. But for now, it's a pause. This endeavour needs to be fun as well. Right now, it's not. Til later xo Stellah

Dahlings Yoh yoh yoh yoh yoh!! Guyzini! Oh my word. Today I got a 'like' from someone who said he wants to get kinky. At first I didn't understand what he was talking about. He said his name is Daddy Dom and he is looking for Subs. Since I watch a lot of YouTube I thought he was talking about subscribers - even though that didn't make sense. Also, I was like "why is this man referring to himself as Daddy, he must really love being a father". (yes, I am very naive) Until I read on AND THEN I REALISED!!!! THE DEVIL IS A LIAR! Ok, so it's been a week and I have had a few interactions with some people. There is no one that I can sing "this is it, ohhhh I've finally found someone". I'll tell you about the interactions as I recall them, they are in no particular order: On Elite Singles, there were two guys I was chatting with. I sort of vanished for the weekend - simply because I needed space from my phone - but when I came back t...

Welcome to another exciting installation of a girl who hates dating, cannot go out because...COVID and hates being glued to her phone but also wants a life partner so she has decided to online date. Dahlings How are you? I'm fine thanks Today is Thursday and there is some progress: On Sunday or Monday or something, I sent pictures to friends to vet for the dating site. They chose and I went with what I wanted. (it's pretty much the same pictures) I did extensive research. I mean hours and hours because I'm psycho maybe? I read so many reviews. So many. Also, there are so many dating sites! Did you know there is a dating site only for BBWs? Apparently that stands for Big Black Women. Didn't know either. Is that not a fetish? Needless to say I didn't sign up on that one as I suspect there will be weird pervs I eventually signed up on two dating sites. They are called Elites Singles for professionals and the other is Tinder:  Elite cost me an arm and a...

Dahlings It's been a while... Let me start by saying that I hate dating. Whenever I write a post about my dating life, please always remember and refer to the above statement. I have a friend of mine who once said "I wish we all had bar codes that only matches with your life partner. We will not waste each other's time, we will know immediately if it's the right person for us." How I wish that were the case. We are in the thick of COVID-19. I have been in lockdown for almost 4 weeks. I have had a lot of time to think and I've just woken to the realisation that I am 34. I don't feel bad about my age at all. I love the thirties. I feel like it's such a romantic age with myself. I'm digressing. This is not a post about the thirties. The reason why I decided to publish my age is that I always felt like I was 27 until I realised I was 34. You know what that means for us women....tick tock.... I was watching a clip of The View on YouTube ...

..and making it in Johannesburg Dahlings How are you? I'm fine thanks. Over the weekend I was driving somewhere. I can't remember where to but I was driving on William Nicol and it was evening time. You see, whenever I drive in the evening and there are lots of cars and lights and activity I get excited. When I moved here I was so freaking excited. Every small thing excites me about this place - almost. The crime doesn't excite me. The crazy levels of anxiety from life here doesn't excite me. BUT the possibilities here excite me so friggin much! Sorry, I'm digressing a little. As I mentioned, when I moved here I was so excited. I just new that this was the place I am meant to be. I always thought that I would live here for a couple of years and then move to New York. It's been about six years but I can't see myself living anywhere else yet (maybe I need to travel to NY before I make such a bold statement). I also used to tell people in East London th...

And I refuse to be left behind! Dahlings How are you? I'm fine thanks. So, we left off on a weird note last time. I'm very aware that my life could be a lot worse and I may have sounded like a spoilt brat. Believe me I know. My life has been worse. Really worse. Really really worse. Not worse like living under a bridge kind of worse but I've been through my fair share of crap. I don't know about you, but sometimes things just get heightened and I feel overwhelmed. My mind is all over the show today so this post may reflect that - I apologise in advance. Driving home from work, I was listening to a podcast where the guest was asked what her word for the year was. I can't remember what she said because I took that question to heart and tried to remember my word; and I remember it being: ELEVATION. I had a retrospective session in my mind to see if I feel like my life is being elevated and I think there is some traction - not enough but some. I don't know...

Is it the same thing? Hi Dahlings How are you? I'm fine thanks. It's been a minute I know but life sometimes just gets in the way of having fun. Right now, I should be writing my last test for the semester (and then it's exams YAY! - sarcasm) but I have had this lingering thought for so long that right now it is bubbling over and I know I won't be able to focus until I put it out into the internet-universe like a true millennial. Life is hard. Life is effing hard. Ok I'm done bye! Jokes. I love stories. I love reading stories. I love hearing stories. I love watching stories. I love telling stories. I believe that everyone has a story to tell. The stories that I gravitate towards are 'rags to riches stories' or stories about how people had to suffer to get to their next level of success. It motivates me to strive for more in my life. It's almost like 'the grinding porn'. It's addictive. I NEED to hear stories like that on the...

Dahlings How are you? I'm fine thanks. I have two friends (I mean I have more friends but I'm pointing these two out for a reason) who love to nap. I teased them mercilessly about these bougie tendencies. I don't know many black people who nap during the day. If we ( black people ) 'nap' we sleep. And we call it that. Sleep. These two friends of mine have two things in common - other than being my friends - they are insanely clever. Like multiple degrees with distinctions between the two of them. Until recently I didn't see a connection. You see last year towards the end of the year, I was hella tired. When I was on holiday I slept. A lot. I can't really sleep during the day because I get sleep paralysis. I however dared to sleep and would sometimes wake up feeling invigorated or even more tired because I was fighting sleep paralysis. I did notice however that when I slept for shorter periods of time - less than an hour - I wouldn't get sleep p...

...Is there a difference? Dahlings How are you? I'm fine thanks. I went back to work and my blogging went too. Where to? Who. knows. Ok, I have a real problem with procrastinating. The problem is really real. I have soooo many ideas. I have so much I want to accomplish but I lack discipline. On Wednesday I was having a great conversation with an amazing person who is on the precipice of living his dreams. I've mentioned before that I seem to be surrounded by people who are focused on achieving in their lives. Out of 20 friends that I have (this is an e.g. I have waaaay more friends. JK), 13 of them have side hustles and they are KILLING it. Five of them have turned their side hustles into full on businesses and have left their 9-5's. I have equal opportunities to do this but guess what, I make every excuse under the sun to not go after my dreams. I have been challenged by my friend to tell him my vision so he can keep me accountable. You see, I unwittingly (...

Say that five times fast! Dahlings How are you? I am fine thanks. So at the beginning of every year I do a Daniel Fast. I started this with my old church in East London probably about 9 years ago and have carried on even by myself (and another friend) in Joburg. Every year I have been stricter than the last e.g. the first time I fasted I probably lasted for an hour, the next year I last an hour and three minutes, the next a whole week - see the pattern? As the years have gone by though I have found the benefits of fasting to be much more satisfactory than my constant need for chicken. It's day two and usually the first week is the easiest for me but it's been hella hard this time. I pray it does not incrementally get worse. This year though I am determined to really make sure that I level up the Spiritual connection with God. Even though today I forgot because as soon as I got home from work I got stuck into my usual routine. I recognise that out of 52 weeks of the ye...

And Hello to the New (Year)!!! Dahlings How are you? I'm fine thanks. Happy new year! I think I will wish you a happy new year every time I post until I'm over it. I hope it's good so far... Mine was OK until I literally nearly died from food poisoning yesterday. See what had happen was that I consumed yoghurt night before last. I had only eaten once during the day and found myself famished before I fell asleep and I knew that I would not be able to fall asleep and stay asleep if I was that hungry. In an effort to not eat anything heavy (because when I'm full I get sleep paralysis) I had yoghurt. I started bloating immediately and I thought this is my body saying I'm intolerant so I kept on eating knowing full well that I will not hear any pleasant sounds of farting during the night. Eventually when I stopped I realised that something was not right with this scene. I was far too bloated & was feeling nauseas. I thought 'eh I'll be fine tomorr...

Dahlings Happy New Year! Or as us ndarkies would say "HEEEEEEEPPPPIIIIIIIIII" or even worse "Compliments of the new season" and even worserer than that "Compliments"(I wanna die when I hear this). Anywho... Like many people I have been reflecting on 2018 and to be blatantly honest with you I have been very hard on myself. I hit quite a lot of the milestones I set for myself (an exciting blog post on this will follow on the next episode...feeling the suspense yet?) and when I should be completely proud of myself, I found myself comparing myself to others. Now don't get me wrong, I am hella excited for all the things my people have accomplished. I generally (thank goodness) am not a jealous person so we can strike that off the list. However, comparison creeps in now and again. I like to let this motivate me to also achieve greater things. I have a circle of people around me who are such go-getters and high achievers. I am very grateful for that. ...