Is it the same thing?
Hi Dahlings
How are you? I'm fine thanks.
It's been a minute I know but life sometimes just gets in the way of having fun.
Right now, I should be writing my last test for the semester (and then it's exams YAY! - sarcasm) but I have had this lingering thought for so long that right now it is bubbling over and I know I won't be able to focus until I put it out into the internet-universe like a true millennial.
Life is hard. Life is effing hard. Ok I'm done bye!
Jokes.
I love stories. I love reading stories. I love hearing stories. I love watching stories. I love telling stories. I believe that everyone has a story to tell. The stories that I gravitate towards are 'rags to riches stories' or stories about how people had to suffer to get to their next level of success. It motivates me to strive for more in my life. It's almost like 'the grinding porn'. It's addictive. I NEED to hear stories like that on the daily. Why? Because I constantly feel like I'm starting out in my life. At work, because I am fairly new in my position I feel like I am starting out. My YouTube channel, I have 18 subscribers and I feel like I am just starting out. This blog, I hardly get views and I feel like I am starting out (though I don't mind that I don't get many views here because I feel like it's my own little corner of the world). At School, I'm still doing my first year - still starting out. Finances - I started this year to try to kick up a proper savings plan. The list goes on and on and on. I constantly feel like I am starting out in EVERY aspect of my life.
With starting a new thing in life comes sacrifices. Sometimes it feels like suffering. I have to sacrifice so much to get to where I want and the goal posts are somewhat changing. The more exposure I get the more my vision changes or expands. But am I cutting off my nose to spite my face? Do I need to feel like I am suffering more often than I feel triumphant?
Can I just say that I love content creation. It's my joy to film a video, edit (I especially love this part) and post it. I LOVE it. SO FREAKING MUCH (perhaps because it's about story telling). But I get so despondent when my viewership is so low. A friend of mine once said that 'As people we want to be seen' and I vehemently disagreed with him because I do many things in the dark - not to get attention. I worked so hard on my last video and in the last two weeks it's only received TWO views. He was right. I want to be seen but I also don't want the pressure to post content that I do not feel is authentic to me. I sacrifice time out of my week to do what I love. I have a full time job that is very demanding. I am studying for a degree at an institution that is costing me an arm and a leg - no regrets because I get the level of service (to a large degree - pardon the pun) that I want. To save money I stay at home. No regrets because I am a homebody BUT I could be travelling, filming and posting on YouTube. I could be out there doing the things with the people but meh.
Will this sacrifice be worth it? Will I continue to feel like I am suffering? When and where do I draw the line? Is there a time frame to drawing the line? On the other hand, I don't believe so because I believe that is when I begin to die. Though I may be alive, I will be dead inside. I can't think of anything worse than meeting my Creator at the end of my life and having to answer for living a mediocre life because I gave up. Life is damn hard. But living it to the utmost and sucking every drop of life while I still can is so worth it. I'd rather be miserable for a while knowing I am living my truth and some day it will pay off. When is someday though? Another existential question - living in the present vs living for the future?
Maybe I need to get out of the house and get out of my head. Maybe I am over analysing this. Maybe it's not as deep as I make it. Maybe I just need a break and need to go to the beach. It always calms me.
Til later
xo
Stellah
Hi Dahlings
How are you? I'm fine thanks.
It's been a minute I know but life sometimes just gets in the way of having fun.
Right now, I should be writing my last test for the semester (and then it's exams YAY! - sarcasm) but I have had this lingering thought for so long that right now it is bubbling over and I know I won't be able to focus until I put it out into the internet-universe like a true millennial.
Life is hard. Life is effing hard. Ok I'm done bye!
Jokes.
I love stories. I love reading stories. I love hearing stories. I love watching stories. I love telling stories. I believe that everyone has a story to tell. The stories that I gravitate towards are 'rags to riches stories' or stories about how people had to suffer to get to their next level of success. It motivates me to strive for more in my life. It's almost like 'the grinding porn'. It's addictive. I NEED to hear stories like that on the daily. Why? Because I constantly feel like I'm starting out in my life. At work, because I am fairly new in my position I feel like I am starting out. My YouTube channel, I have 18 subscribers and I feel like I am just starting out. This blog, I hardly get views and I feel like I am starting out (though I don't mind that I don't get many views here because I feel like it's my own little corner of the world). At School, I'm still doing my first year - still starting out. Finances - I started this year to try to kick up a proper savings plan. The list goes on and on and on. I constantly feel like I am starting out in EVERY aspect of my life.
With starting a new thing in life comes sacrifices. Sometimes it feels like suffering. I have to sacrifice so much to get to where I want and the goal posts are somewhat changing. The more exposure I get the more my vision changes or expands. But am I cutting off my nose to spite my face? Do I need to feel like I am suffering more often than I feel triumphant?
Can I just say that I love content creation. It's my joy to film a video, edit (I especially love this part) and post it. I LOVE it. SO FREAKING MUCH (perhaps because it's about story telling). But I get so despondent when my viewership is so low. A friend of mine once said that 'As people we want to be seen' and I vehemently disagreed with him because I do many things in the dark - not to get attention. I worked so hard on my last video and in the last two weeks it's only received TWO views. He was right. I want to be seen but I also don't want the pressure to post content that I do not feel is authentic to me. I sacrifice time out of my week to do what I love. I have a full time job that is very demanding. I am studying for a degree at an institution that is costing me an arm and a leg - no regrets because I get the level of service (to a large degree - pardon the pun) that I want. To save money I stay at home. No regrets because I am a homebody BUT I could be travelling, filming and posting on YouTube. I could be out there doing the things with the people but meh.
Will this sacrifice be worth it? Will I continue to feel like I am suffering? When and where do I draw the line? Is there a time frame to drawing the line? On the other hand, I don't believe so because I believe that is when I begin to die. Though I may be alive, I will be dead inside. I can't think of anything worse than meeting my Creator at the end of my life and having to answer for living a mediocre life because I gave up. Life is damn hard. But living it to the utmost and sucking every drop of life while I still can is so worth it. I'd rather be miserable for a while knowing I am living my truth and some day it will pay off. When is someday though? Another existential question - living in the present vs living for the future?
Maybe I need to get out of the house and get out of my head. Maybe I am over analysing this. Maybe it's not as deep as I make it. Maybe I just need a break and need to go to the beach. It always calms me.
Til later
xo
Stellah
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