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So I'm 40 now...

 Dahlings.


Almost two years with no word from me. Soz. I haven't been well. I'll unpack my "unwellness" in the next few posts. However....

"I'm back....bitches"

I can't believe it. I actually forgot I had a whole blog. Life lifed the hell out of me and this week was the first week I realised that I genuinely am in a much better place. This is a result of many things that I have implemented into my life.

With that said, I turned forty, two months and seven days ago. 

I don't like it. 

I'm appreciative of having been alive for so long. The last few years have taught me that life is precious and every day is a gift. HOWEVER, I don't feel like I should be 40. I feel like a 40 year old should have all "the things" in order by now and in the full swing of living. 

To be blatant, I want(ed) kids. I hoped to be married. Now...I don't care to be married but kids is still a sore point for me. Maybe I can adopt kids but I would have loved the opportunity to have biological kids as well. Imagine being able to do both! In a few months I will go to a gynea to see if I can freeze whatever is left in my womb as eggs. I don't expect good news but it'll be worth a try.

Here's the thing...I have a plan to quit working in 2030. I'd like to take a gap year (or two) from working. This means that each step I take from now on needs to be in aid of the 2030 vision. And Kids? I can't afford to have kids and take a gap year! 

Here's the OTHER thing...as mentioned, I have no desire to get married or have a baby daddy. My picker is broken. I have a tendency to choose men that present as if they want to be with me but their actions don't. I will work that out in therapy one day but for now, it means I am petrified to invite another duplicitous man into my life. I am not afraid to get my heart broken but I am very afraid to mess with the peace I have started feeling from a few months ago. It's so flipping inefficient to recover from heartbreak. 

The other thing about turning 40 is that I am faced with the idea that I have lived half of my life and I have only another 40 years left. I would love another 60 years but a healthy 60 years. This means I need to really focus on health even though all I want is to sit on the couch and watch YouTube videos. 

So going forward, I need to work on my physical health and chase ALL my dreams because life is fleeting. These next few years will be challenging and I will have to level up on everything. Yuck.


Til later

XO

Stellah

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