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What do you do...

when you can't anymore?

Dahlings

I genuinely hope this finds you well.

These last few months have been a lot for me. I don't even know if I have the vocabulary to articulate where I am at the moment but allow me to try.

About two months ago I came to a realisation that I absolutely cannot anymore. For a few years I have been busting my behind to do everything. I have been on the Joburg grind like everyone else. Let me preface by saying that I love this city. I have been living here for 7 years and it still feels like yesterday. I still feel the excitement. I still feel the love. I still feel the magic of this city.

The last two months though I have had me feeling like I am tired. I am so so tired. I am emotionally tired. I am mentally tired. I am physically tired. And I am spiritually tired. I. CAN'T. ANYMORE. I am completely drained and depleted.

Don't worry, I am not suicidal. I really am not.

I don't know what the right step or the next step is at this point and I actually am OK with that. I am generally an action oriented person. I am 'let's resolve this by doing a, b and c' kinda person. I am at my wits end. I can't read my bible, I can't pray, I can't talk to a friend because I don't have the energy to do anything or to be talking about it or listening to encouraging words.

I'll tell you the truth, up until 3 weeks ago I was in a deeeeeep funk. I am coming out of it. It's absolutely nothing of my own volition. I said to the Lord, I just can't anymore and I can tell you that only God is putting me together again. There is a gentleness and kindness and patience I am feeling. I am also feeling the same way toward myself. This is new territory for me. I am always strong, encouraging, motivated, and so on and so forth.

I'm letting myself be and it's a good space to be in for me for now.

I say that to say that it really is OK to not be OK. Thankfully for me I know this season will pass. But for now, I am going through open heart surgery and it will take time to heal.

Til later

xo
Stellah.

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