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Crossroads 

Happy new year and all protocols observed.  

As I type this, I'm sitting in my car outside the gym. I haven't exercised in a very long time. Like a long time. Like dumb long.     

I only exercised for maybe 40 mins. You might say that's a fair set. Well it wasn't. For me at least.  I was doing a set that would have been my warm up at my fittest in 2019. I'm not mad or disappointed. I'm..... surprised. I even took pre-workout and normally that would make me go for ages but I was winded and my muscles said "nope."  

Anyway, I have this line in my mind that keeps popping up from time to time and its "dont break promises you make to yourself". This year I'm doing things that are good for me and not break those promises. I'm the type of person that when I make a commitment to someone else I will see it through come what may but to myself, I break promises all the time. I need to change that. Not to be selfish or anything but so that I live longer than 40 years or even longer that my mother and grandmother. They both died at 60. If you look ay my lifestyle now, its very sedentary and isolated. Recovering from burnout I've given myself all the leeway (spelling???). Because I couldn't do anything else. Mentally and physically I genuinely couldn't. I don't want another year of being burnt out. I've already lost two years of my life.   

I feel like this year is going to be a year of constant cross roads and junctions. I will have to make a series of small decisions and actions to restore my life. I am different from pre-pandemic and pre-burnout and I'm learning this side of me. I'm also making a decision to do the things that have forever filled my mind, body and spirit. That includes writing again. I know this will end up in some corner of the internet where no one will read it and I'm Ok with it. I am doing it for the love of it. No one blogs anymore and its proof enough to me that I love this.  Doing something for no audience shows how deeply I love writing.

I will also resuscitate my YouTube channel. My teeth situation is a little wonky right now but I have videos from the past few years I can start to edit.  I've also decided to pursue my dream of becoming an economist. This is proving harder that most but living in a world where I am not truly satisfied makes my mental state dark.   

I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared. But I'm a lot more afraid of ending back up in the hole I am climbing out of.  

Be patient with me.     

Xo  
Stellah

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