Stellah in the City.

 Dahlings. Almost two years with no word from me. Soz. I haven't been well. I'll unpack my "unwellness" in the next few posts. However.... "I'm back....bitches" I can't believe it. I actually forgot I had a whole blog. Life lifed the hell out of me and this week was the first week I realised that I genuinely am in a much better place. This is a result of many things that I have implemented into my life. With that said, I turned forty, two months and seven days ago.  I don't like it.  I'm appreciative of having been alive for so long. The last few years have taught me that life is precious and every day is a gift. HOWEVER, I don't feel like I should be 40. I feel like a 40 year old should have all "the things" in order by now and in the full swing of living.  To be blatant, I want(ed) kids. I hoped to be married. Now...I don't care to be married but kids is still a sore point for me. Maybe I can adopt kids but I would have lo...

What do you get when you combine someone that is negatively impacted by the heat and also feeling sad because of news that you got today? .... Me. I'm going to sound like a spoiled brat today. I live in JHB, in an affluent suburb. I rent a nice flat and I have a nice job. BUT, I'm not happy. Add to it this heat that has no ending. I have been training myself to cherish the small moments when I feel happy and content. I had that last night. Those 10 minutes are pure bliss. Today I had to go into the office and a colleague of mine told me that it is now going to be mandatory for us to go back to the office. I feel like work is not seeing us. And my plan to move to the coast / rural areas (tbd) is ruined. These past two weeks I have been extra extra looking forward to sleeping and not enjoying any of my favorite past times like watching YouTube. Its slightly worrisome to me because the YouTubers that I watch are aligned to the dreams I thought I was working towar...

Dahlings How are you and other protocols. I'm turning in for the night and I just had a realisation that I am healing. I can't explain how happy this makes me. This is going to sound exceptionally weird but I've really missed myself. The hole of burnout and anxiety is dark. It's not fun. I'd only wish it on terrible people like the rapist president. yeah I said it. Here are signs to me that I am healing: 1. I have recently started listening to music again. Especially genres that always move me to my core. About 4 or 5 days ago, I listened to jazz music for the first time in 3 years. It was full moon and I sat on the balcony and listened to McCoy Mrubata. If I'm not Ok, my tell tale sign is that I can't listen to jazz. I feel overwhelmed with all the feels otherwise. 2. I am leaving the house more often. A little over a year ago I had such terrible agoraphobia. I couldn't even take the rubbish to the complex dumping site. The first time I ma...

Happy new year and all protocols observed. As I type this, I'm sitting in my car outside the gym. I haven't exercised in a very long time. Like a long time. Like dumb long. I only exercised for maybe 40 mins. You might say that's a fair set. Well it wasn't. For me at least. I was doing a set that would have been my warm up at my fittest in 2019. I'm not mad or disappointed. I'm..... surprised. I even took pre-workout and normally that would make me go for ages but I was winded and my muscles said "nope." Anyway, I have this line in my mind that keeps popping up from time to time and its "dont break promises you make to yourself". This year I'm doing things that are good for me and not break those promises. I'm the type of person that when I make a commitment to someone else I will see it through come what may but to myself, I break promises all the time. I need to change that. Not to be selfish or anything but so that I live lo...

  Dahlings. How are you? I'm fine thanks. Today as I was running my errands I had a thought about when I am the happiest. I realised that I love managing  projects, writing, taking stunning pictures and creating content for my YouTube channel. Today I helped a friend put together her child's 1st birthday party and I loved it. Over the past week, I have just felt an urge to write and write and write. I have been writing so many blog posts and a potential book that I may release one day. In this space, I found that I was very happy. Flipping tired but very happy. Anyways...this led to my question...when do we feel the happiest? Allow me to elaborate. For the largest portion of my life I have been told by black people that "I have white people tendencies" and white people telling me "you're so black". Here's the thing, I've always been 'othered'. This made me strong enough to dance to the beat of my own drum and never really let people into ...

,,, and it was a day full of mixed emotions. Dahlings It's been an age (pardon the pun). The last time we chatted, I was really not in a good space. Life was turdy. I feel like I am starting to catch my breath. I feel like I am starting to enjoy the sunshine again. 10-10 is my birthday. This was a big one for me. I turned 35.  I used to be a person that believes in signs and that everything happens for a reason. Then life happened. BUT. I have some OCD tendencies (nothing diagnosed it's just my opinion) and nothing makes me happier than when the dots connect. So, I turned an even number 35 on a Saturday.Saturday birthdays are lit. I recently moved and my flat number is 10, also the garage number is 35. It just felt like everything fits. There are no signs particularly here but I just found it serendipitous that all of these little things happened and it felt right. AND it's the beginning of a new decade (albeit crappy start to the decade am I right??). Anyway, so I prayed o...