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I'm not insane...I don't think



Dahlings

How are you? I'm fine thanks. (this is staying, best we all deal with it)

I hope you're week is going great so far, mine just got exponentially better. The best feeling is finding out the root cause of something that you thought you were an evil person for the longest time. I'm so relieved I could cry. I won't because I have cheap mascara on. Allow me to elaborate.

There are two parts of this story. This story is about anxiety.

I can count the number of times I've had a full on anxiety attack where I feel like I can't breath and think I'm dying. I know when I'm very stressed my entire left arm gets so painful that it goes numb and there's a knot on the left hand side of my back that triggers the left arm process thingy. The left arm issue got very bad when I just moved to Joburg that I went to see the doctor (I only see the doctor when I literally feel like I'm dying otherwise self diagnosis all the way beech) and he told me I was having an anxiety attack. So when this happened I know that I need to adjust my stress levels.

The other two parts though were a mystery until recently.

For as long as I can remember when I'd sleep during the day I'd have attacks where I can't move, I can't breath and it feels like there is an evil presence in the room that is sucking the my breath out of me. For a while I was embarrassed about this and those who had witnessed me trying to wake up have laughed & made fun. So I kept it to myself. This also happens when I fall asleep in a car. Here's a plot twist, I was convinced that I was having a demonic attack until I watched a video clip of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Who would have thunk that I would have a life changing moment while watching that show. (no hate on the Kardashians at all but it's not necessarily an educational show) One of the girls was enduring this attack and went to a doctor (I think) who told her she was experiencing anxiety attacks while sleeping. Makes sense. At least I now know I'm not riddled with demons. I just have bugger-all idea about what to do about this.

The second part is even more disturbing. As a child I was always clumsy. Even in my adult life I am still clumsy. Two days ago I tripped on a flat surface and nearly fell at work. Going up and down the stairs I'd trip on a daily basis. I'm not even exaggerating. So as the years went by I started developing a mild fear of stairs because I'm afraid of falling. It gets worse, just before I'd go down the stairs I get visions of absolute worst case scenario: falling down the stairs breaking my body into weird contorted positions. Recently-ish I started getting visions of me (while driving on the freeway from work) veering off the road and my car flying like a bat mobile but unlike a bat mobile my car crashes and I get injured very badly. These visions have bled into other parts of my life which I will not mention because they are quite disturbing. Again, I thought I was riddled with demons but I just read an article that describes it at the mind's way to cope with the anxiety that I feel and it saying to me it could be worse. So...I'm not going batsh!t crazy. As the song goes "I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell" haha.

I have no way forward but to choose my thoughts carefully and not become a victim to this. I'm more than a conqueror. I am waaaaay more than anxiety. 

Well, this was an uplifting post. Full of roses, rainbows and unicorns.

Seriously though, look after yourselves. Take care of your mental health. 

Cheers 
Stellah

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